Healing Masculinity Wounds
I would harzard to guess that most of have been wounded by the constructs and narratives of masculinity in some way or another. As I’ve said many times, masculinity in of itself is not toxic or unhealthy, yet is a construct that holds conditioning (social, parental, religious, peer, media, etc). The constructs tell us a narrative of how to be, how to show up, and how to present. This often creates a narrow window into who we are and I would guess, suggests that we may not even be able to access the full range of who we are in our relationship to these narratives and constructs.
Compassionate Masculinity is about healing the wounds created by falling in line with the masculinity constructs and narratives. At the same time, another wounding force for most men is the internalized homophobia that many of us internalize from messages and expectations in our culture.
As we continue to evolve, the constructs around gender, power, sexuality, and masculinity/femininity continue to evolve. We are questioning these concepts in ways we and at a scale that we haven’t in the past. We are challenging existing narratives that have been at the foundation of systems of oppression - gender, race, ethnicity, sexuality, ability, class, socio-economic status, and religion, and the list can go on from there.
There are so many ways that we can appear and feel divided and the power dynamics that are in place that can oppress some while elevating others - the work of supremacy on many levels.
As men, as white men, we are hearing a lot about power and privilege. The question, can we hear the messages and are we getting the messages? We are part of system that has given preference to men, to the masculine and to whiteness.
As men, many of us have conformed into narratives where we are living in our constructed identities. I remember, in my 20’s, as much as I would have enjoyed studying counseling, I had a masculine narrative that told me that was too feminine and I refrained but pursuing my studies in counseling until I was about 31.
Regardless of the masculinity conversation, most of us have conformed in some way or another to some societal norms to be accepted and feel a sense of belonging. This belonging to a tribe mentality can feel so critical and for those who operate at the margins, can be a place where we feel lost until we find ourselves and our own trust and recognition in the ways we are different rather than the ways we conform into the norms and expectations. We begin to take off the mask of our constructed identity and move into the truth of our authenticity and connect into our deeper humanity.
For many men, we’ve been given a couple of roles to play in life - high-achiever, athletic performance, sexual performance, breadwinner, and father. Yet, when given the opportunity, many men find they have so many more interests, talents, and roles they can play in this lifetime.
In my former role as the head of Personal Transformation & Wellbeing at EILEEN FISHER, I remember seeing men experience this liberating feeling when they started to see themselves in their fullness, in their full expression, and in their authenticity. They learned they had a world of opportunities open to them when they walked a more authentic path and the layers they could start to shed along the journey.
It was working at EILEEN FISHER, that I realized there was another way forward for men to be in the world, there was a new way to look at gender bridge building, and new possibilities could come from reimagining systems, structures, and cultures through a more integrated and balanced lens.
Ultimately, this liberating power for men into their full authenticity a pathway for healing the wounds created by the norms and narratives created by the social conditioning around masculinity and trying to live up to the masculine ideal.
As I always say, this is never, ever about diminishing the masculine. It’s about elevating the suppressed energy to be able to have access to the full range of ourselves and our humanity. Basically giving us a new energetic agility that allows us to walk through the world in new ways, in empowering ways, and in ways that allow access to full and transforming power of love.